I wish I could wear skinny jeans, but in two words or less: I can’t. It’s not just me that shouldn’t step foot in the painted on pants, though. No one looks good in them. No one. Actually, I take that back. If you’re a super model or a 12 year old boy, you can probably pull off skinny jeans pretty well, but that’s about it.
Here’s the thing: I’m so jealous. I really, really, really want to wear skinny jeans. I’ve tried on more of the pants than I care to admit and my two toddlers have seen me peel on and off nearly every pair.
Reichen: “What are we doing, Momma?”
Me: “I’m trying on jeans, Doddle Bug.”
Latham: {starts whining}
Reichen: “Momma, YOU WEAR PINK UNDERWARE!!!”
Me: “Shhh… Reichen, use your inside voice please.”
Reichen: “Momma, what are those purple lines on your legs?”
Latham: {starts struggling to get out of the stroller}
Me: “Those are veins, Baby. Momma has a couple of veins on her legs.”
Latham: {starts crying}
Reichen: “Oh, veins. Momma, you love your veins?”
Me: “Oh, yes. I do love them.”
The endless hours behind dressing room doors with my boys strapped to their double stroller has been torture for both them and me. They’re not doing it anymore, not even when I bribe them with a super fun carousel ride. I don’t blame them. I decided I wasn’t doing it anymore either, that is until this weekend.
JCrew is promoting their dark wash skinny jeans in every magazine everywhere and they look so cute on the 10 foot model that weighs 65 pounds that I just had to try them.

After digging through stacks and stacks of skinnys, the lady who was helping me search, (actually, I think she was ‘helping’ so I wouldn’t destroy her perfectly folded pants. Whatever. I’ll take any help I can get at that store. Just click here and here for all my JCrew drama.), told me they were out of my size. But, she said, they did have my size in the ‘toothpick’ collection.
Me: “What is the toothpick collection?”
Her: “It’s like the skinny jean, but even skinnier.”
Me: “Who would want to wear a jean that’s even skinnier than the skinny jean?”
This is the part where she just stares at me smiling with the most blank expression I’ve ever seen.
Her: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Never mind. I’ll try them.”

I’m not exaggerating when I say I couldn’t get the pants past my calf. I used to be a gymnast a million and a half years ago, and since then, I’ve always had really big muscular calves. In fact, my younger brother was so impressed with that muscle he would ask me to flex it for him on a regular basis. The funny thing is I still get the old request from him from time to time, even now.
After about 5 minutes of pulling, tugging and sucking in, I gave up. There was no way this toothpick jean was ever going to fit on my frame. No way.
What I want to know: what sadistic designer came up with the the concept of the toothpick? I mean, did the skinny jean really need to be skinnier? I don’t think so.