“The good news,” he says to me, “is you don’t have any tumors.”

I thought he was joking at first, the radiologist, but I could see from his scowl he was serious.

“But you do have other issues going on,” he says slowly, ”that’s for sure.”

Of course I have other issues.  Who doesn’t?  But I assume he’s referring to something other than my garage door compulsion.  I mean, does anyone else drive around the block just to make sure it’s closed?

What?

Just me?

Oh.

“You have acid reflux,” the doctor continues, “which is bit bizarre since that’s something old people like me have, not you.”

My family physician warned me I might have acid reflux.  When I sat on her paper coated padded table a couple days prior and complained about a weird lump in my throat, she said I was describing a text book acid reflux symptom.  But she said I should see a specialist for more tests, just in case.

“What other issues are going on,” I ask.

I could tell he either didn’t want talk or didn’t have time to talk, either way, he was going to talk.  I mean, I just swallowed a bunch of barium for him, the least he could do was talk for me.

“Well,” he begins, “your general practitioner will go over the results with you in detail, but I did discover, in addition to your acid reflux, you have a hernia, an ulcer, and a belly full of harmful bacteria.”  After taking a big breath he continues, “But don’t worry, you’re not contagious.”  And with that, he smiled and walked away.

The nurse told me to get dressed and not to worry.  “Your doctor will go over your results in detail,” she repeats, again.

When I met with my family physician the next day, she sucked her breath through her teeth when she walked in the room where I was waiting before saying, “you have a lot of issues going on.”

“I guess,” I agree.

She pulls out her pad and writes me 6 prescriptions.  I am now popping 20 pills a day, every day, for the next 14 days for acid reflux, a belly full of bacteria, a hernia, and an ulcer. 

And it’s been brutal.  Real.  Brutal.

I’ll spare you all the incredibly gross and incredibly gory medication side effects.

You’re welcome.