Once I clip a coupon, I almost never see it again.  I tend to lose the money saving piece of paper in the pit of my purse where other bits of lint, restaurant mints, and gum I’ve wadded in old receipts live.  So imagine how proud of myself I was when a few weeks ago, I actually remembered the coupon I clipped, dug it out, and used it to buy a massive bottle lotion.  And by massive I mean enormous.  It’s actually so big, it could soothe any and all skin issues I, my mom, my neighbor and her 2 teenage daughters have, or will have for the next 3 1/2 years.  But I had to buy the big bottle since that’s what the fine print on the coupon stated.  If I bought anything smaller, I would not be eligible for the $0.50 savings the paper promised, so against my better judgement I bought it. 

I have to tell you, I’m not a big bottle buyer.  It’s.  So.  Not.  Me.  There’s always a new fragrance or  a new formula a magazine beauty editor says I must try and when she does, I want to try it.  I don’t want to be smack dab  in the middle of a long term relationship with a big bottle.  I have, what you might call, commitment issues.

I should have listened to my inner instinct.  Now, not only can I not buy the latest and greatest bottle I just read about in this month’s In Style, the big bottle I did buy,  is not working out.  And I can tell you why in one word:  GLITTER!  I’m not even kidding.  It has GLITTER in it!  Lots and lots and lots of GLITTER.

I apologize for yelling, but there is no other way to tell you how much GLITTER there is in this big bottle without shouting it.  It’s not a shimmer.  It’s not a glow.   It’s GLITTER.  And GLITTER is everywhere.  It’s in my clothes.  It’s in my hair.  It’s in my car.  And, It’s on my kids. 

David:  “Why is GLITTER all over the boys?”

Me:  “It’s my big bottle of  body lotion.”

David:  “Why did you buy a big bottle of body lotion with GLITTER?”

Me:  “I didn’t know about the GLITTER.  And, I had a coupon.”

David:  “Oh.”

David says, coupon or no coupon, I should break up with the big bottle.  And I agree.  So here goes…

I’m sorry, big bottle, but our relationship is over.  Don’t call me.  Don’t text me.  And please don’t request to be my friend on Facebook.  I just want you to know, big bottle,  I really gave it all I could, but we’re just not good together.  The GLITTER was just too much.  It’s me, big bottle, not you.  And I know, in the future, you’ll find someone who loves you, GLITTER and all. 

Just not me.  Just not now.  Just not ever. 

Not even with a coupon.