Just because you work doesn’t make you a better mommy than me. And just because I stay at home doesn’t make me a better mommy than you. I wish that was all I had to say on this terrible topic, but I’m afraid I must say more. Much more.
The war between working moms and stay at home moms is raging and I’m ashamed to admit I had no idea a battle was even brewing until the other day after watching an episode of Dr. Phil. It’s not the show I wanted to watch that day. I wanted to watch an episode of Grey’s Anatomy on DVR and eat my lunch in the peace and quite I crave after a marathon morning with 2 toddlers.
What derailed my TV watching in its tracks was the verbal diarrhea being spewed between two groups on the talk show: working moms and stay at home moms. I was so embarrassed after hearing the view of mothers who stay at home. The ladies were so condescending, rude and mean to the women who work. One stay at home mom in particular was standing so high on her soap box I thought her nose might bleed, but that didn’t seem stop her from saying women who work cause permanent damage to their children. She went on to say when a mother is away from her child for more than a few hours a week, it will negatively effect her child’s personality forever. FOREVER.
Another stay at home mom said if a woman can’t stay at home with her kids, then maybe she just shouldn’t have them. She also said: “I wouldn’t outsource loving my husband, why would I outsource loving my kids?”
Seriously?!?
I am the child of a single, working mother and so are my brothers. My mother wanted us to have a home, so she worked. My mother wanted to feed us, so she worked. My mother wanted us to have clothes, so she worked. Growing up, I was inspired by my mother because she worked. I knew she worked to take care of us, not hurt us.
When the working mothers had their chance, their words were just as ridiculous. One working mom said she is a capable, creative woman who knows about more than just baby formula or after-school programs. Another woman accused her stay at home counterparts of being lazy and uninspired lumps who refuse to send their toddlers to school to learn from qualified teachers. She went on to say children of working mothers grow up to be more well rounded and more educated than those whose mothers stay home.
I am a stay at home mom. After working in the television news industry for years, I decided my job and the hours it needed was not family friendly. Since my husband could carry the financial load, the decision for me to stay at home was an easy one and I have never looked back. My boys and I spend our days reading, playing, going to parks, going to play dates, talking about colors, letters and numbers. I know they’re smart and extremely well rounded little dudes. When the boys take a nap, I cook meals, clean, and fold laundry so I don’t have to when they’re awake. Some days though, I do take a break and watch a little TV which is what sucked me into this battle in the first place.
So, if could add one weapon to the arsenal of the stay at home moms and working moms war it would be understanding. You’re not better than me because you work and I’m not better than you because I don’t. Who am I to judge what’s right for you and your family? Who are you to judge what’s right for me and my family? We’re all moms just doing the best we can with the information we have. If we don’t look out for each other, no one will.
Related posts:
- You’re a Stay-At-Home Mom – That’s Your Job.
- Just the Thought Makes me Sick
- “I Miss you Already.”
- I Want My Mom!!!
- I’m Not a Group Kind of Girl
Tags: mom, Stay At Home Mom, Working Mom
I just found your blog – I love it!
I am a working mom and being away from my 10 month old is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but it is the way it is for now. I love your blog about this, it does seem crazy that people can be so ugly to one another about this topic. I want nothing more than to stay home, but financially it isn’t possible, hopefully when we have our second I can. Someone wrote to me the other day when I was having a particular hard day leaving my little man she said that she felt my pain & feels the same way when she leaves her 14 month old every Monday. Then she said it never gets better or easier to leave them & she personally felt like it never should. It just made me feel so great to hear that. That my feelings of missing and longing to be with my baby this Monday was the way I should feel!
Thanks for sharing your great gift of writing, I am glad I stumbled upon your blog!
(i googled images for hoof & mouth, it is going around our daycare!)
I would like to simply say that ALL mothers are “working” mothers. Some of us just don’t have the luxury (or really the choice) to work at home.
I have worked in the hospitality industry for years (rarely a 40 hour work week…usually more.) When I was pregnant I told my boss that I was going to demand the maximum allowable leave of absence time to bond with my little one before having to trudge back to the corporate world. During that time, I came to realize the HUGE job it is for mothers who stay at home and my respect for “stay-at-home” moms grew exponentially, as did my respect for single mothers. The scheduling, problem solving, budgeting, level of patience and countless other resume-worthy desriptives are used much more than I can say I do in my 8 – 12 hour work days.
I vote that the phrase “stay-at-home-mother” change to “work-at-home-mother.” It is “work”…a job (career) so rewarding with personal growth that is immeasurable. I wish I could make the transition into this career path but, sadly, it does not work for our home. Maybe some day. For now, my job knows that they are not #1 – that my family comes first and I demand that they respect that…and I am lucky enough to have a company who recognizes that importance.
Okay – so I “simply” said a bit more than planned…just a “working” momma advocating the “work-at-home” mommas.
you would think we wouldn’t even have to listen to these types of discussions anymore, right?
(sigh)
and thank you so much for your kind comment
Seriously- don’t we have more important things to be passionate about. Why is it that women insist on tearing one another down? I do what works for my family, you do what works for yours, the end.
Angela´s last blog ..the kindness of aquaintances-thankful
I’ve been a SAHM, and I am now a working mother, so I just had to comment
I stayed at home with my boys for 2 years, and it was awesome! We lived in Lee’s Summit where we were close to friends, parks, libraries, restaurants, shopping malls, etc. We had play dates at the mall, McDonald’s, water parks. We went to story time at the library and theme parties at the community center. There were days we did absolutely nothing, but we still had a blast together! When we moved to Tiny Town, I knew I had to get a job for a number of reasons. There would be no more story time, theme party or play dates for us. I was sad, but I knew it was the way it had to be. The boys have been in daycare over a year now, and they get to have play dates, theme parties, and story time on a daily basis…and they absolutely love it!!! They get to do everything they did before, just without me. I am okay with it because I know how much fun they are having and how much they are learning…and I love my job! Great post, Tasha!
Here…here…I loved the article. You gotta do what you gotta do to make things work for you and your family and your situation and do the best you can. I think its wonderful that you can stay home with the boys. I think you get to enjoy your children more and we all know they are too quicky grown and gone; however, if a mom isn’t able to stay at home and has to work, I don’t think it “damages” the kids as long as they have a strong and loving family life when they are home.