I’ve never really been into the whole polygamy thing, but I’m seriously considering it after what I’ve been through the past couple weeks.  Taking care of 2 toddlers with hand, foot, and mouth disease and 1 husband with a serious bacterial infection has really taken its tole.  If I wasn’t cleaning puke off of one kid, I was wiping an endless string of snot off the other.  If I wasn’t listening to my husband whine about how much his throat hurt, I was running to the store to pick up his liquid of lust.

Me:  “Why do you need Gatorade?”

Him:  “The doctor says I need to stay hydrated.”

Me:  “Why don’t you just drink water?”

Him:  “Because Gatorade is what I drink when I don’t feel well.”

I’ve seen those A & E specials on TV about polygamy, so I obviously know what I’m talking about and I think it could work.  I might need change my hair a little bit though.  I would probably have to grow it really, really, really long so I could wrap it in a lose bun on top of my head with my bangs cut short so I could rat them in that late 1980′s wave.  You know the wave I’m referring to – the ratted wave we all wore in high school.  The ratted wave that required a comb and a huge pink can of AquaNet to style it. 

I might even have to change the way I dress.  I’d be sad to see my MEK jeans and JCrew tops go, but I’d be happy when the other wife would have to clean the bath tub after my 17 month old pooped in it.  A top buttoned to my throat and a long skirt with black socks and shoes might be worth wearing when I’m trying to rock my baby back to sleep at midnight after he wakes up screaming from a fever and she’s the one who has to force antibiotics down my husband’s throat.  He refuses to pop his pills for two reasons: 

1. He doesn’t believe medicine is good for him. 
2. He thinks the more drugs doctors prescribe, the more money doctors and drug companies make. 

He may be on to something with that last one, but in this particular case when we know for a fact that strep throat can actually kill you if you don’t cure it, you would think he would take his antibiotics.  Nope.  He won’t even take his medicine when it’s life threatening.

I’m not exactly sure how one goes about getting another wife, but I thought I’d start with the following form:

1. Will you change any and all diapers including the ones that seep out the sides so much so you have to strip down the baby and give him a bath?
2. Will you do all household chores including fixing the garbage disposal after I’ve run a spoon through it?
3. Will you get up every two hours when my toddlers are sick to dispense medicine and check fevers?
4. Will you host play dates and make other mothers feel welcome in our home?
5. Will you make all meals including a special brunch on Sunday?  (It’s a family tradition I still haven’t started, but really want to.)
6. Will you listen to my husband go on and on and on about work and give me the cliff notes?
7. Will you handle any and all extended family feuds and patch up the problems in a way that makes every one happy?
8. Will you plant all Spring and Fall flowers?  (I love the look, but it takes a lot of time, energy and effort.)
9. Will you push my son on the swing for hours every day? (If it were up to Reichen, he would swing all day every day.)
10. And finally, will do everything else I’ve failed to mention and when I ask you to do it, will you do it with a song on your lips and a smile in your heart?

If you have answered ‘yes’ to all these questions, congratulations!  You’re well on your way to becoming the 2nd Mrs. Young.  I will be scheduling one on one interviews right after I do the laundry, take Reichen and Latham to a play date, make breakfast, lunch and dinner, work out, clean the bathrooms, dust, and buy a huge can of aerosol hairspray.

Related posts:

1. A Boy and His Pink Balloon
2. Have I Told You How Much I Love My Nose Hair Trimmer?
3. David Just Knows. And Reichen Does, too.
4. Husbandism #14
5. He’s a Little Peeved by my Post

Tags: David, husband, Latham, Reichen, sick

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